So it wasn't so great at first. The usual condescending stare at the band room from the conductor... not that I care or that she means it. I'm kind of immune to that now. PE was a surprisingly bright spot... softball is fun! So much better than stupid floorball, where I keep swinging the stick and missing the sorry excuse for a ball, or even worse, touch rug...cannot stand that. (Sorry, Wen and Wei Wei...) Then snored through econs tutorial, which I usually don't mind but I didn't exactly prepare for this one... so... well. Then Chem lect... isn't it funny that there can be a completely different person on this planet that can have so much control over your feelings? All the excess baggage at the back of my mind just disappeared were and replaced by blind rapture... God I'm such a pathetic creature. Ugh. So I spent the rest of the lecture pretending to pay attention. Then I started worrying about something small and stupid and completely irrelevant in many ways. All I know if that it were true I would just have to move on with life... and I probably would. But I don't think I could take it.
I hate speaking in front of people. I really do. But I have to do it anyway. I'm just extremely good at getting myself into stupid situations and emerging from it like a clumsy oaf. Lunch and chem prac were the usual. My class is always really bubbly and cheerful... always game for a laugh... and that's good. But a lot of times I just feel so seperate from all of it. I'm just boring, I guess. Just some days when I don't feel like laughing. I always feel so fake when I do, which is just to refrain from being antisocial. I feel as though I want to maintain this pretence of being happy and nice to everybody... but of course it doesn't work. A lot of times they just slide off your front and there you go... mood swingish me, for all the world to see. I keep telling myself to just be myself... but how do I do that when I don't even know who I am?
Physics was terrific. I completely forgot that there was a test on Circular Motion and Gravitational Field, both which involve a lot of formulas.
So I slept through the test. Hooray.
Then it was time for Napfa re-test (even bigger hooray)... have had a problem with standing broad jump. At least I had Shuhui with me. We wanted to pretend to be each other and she would jump for me and I would run (shuttle run) for her... then we would both pass with flying colours... wishful thinking... haha.
I'd really like to take this chance to say thank you to some people out there... anyone at all, who ever expressed some sort of concern to others. It's difficult when you yourself are experiencing all kinds of crap, yet bother to take time off to care about others. You are above the usual selfish trend, and are truly wonderful people. You never fail to brighten my day. Thank you.
This makes me realize what an idiot I am to keep worrying about intangible matters... to just wake up, cut the whining and appreciate what I've been dealt.
Feeling pretty much better, went for my re-test. Kept my chin up... I will be strong. So many people milling around downstairs preparing for NDC... was pretty horrified then, but now I don't care. Who gives a shit about what arrogant bastards think about you? I certainly won't. I am not going to care any longer about people who play with your feelings, constantly changing and hurting you, pretending to care when they actually don't. It just makes one miserable. (pardon the language- it won't happen again.) I am not inferior if I don't think so. (Thanks, Ning :)) I will spend my time with much more worthwhile people.
Shuhui passed her shuttle run! I'm so happy for her! She got C k... last time she was failing... In a way, happiness for another person is so much sweeter than that for yourself... there aren't any other "what if" factors butting in to spoil your mood... you can just be truly, wholeheartedly, happy! Ignorance is bliss! Haha.
Aching all over and grumbling a little we went home. It was around six plus... still many people around... the sky sort of thinking what to do with itself... beautiful. I love evenings. I just blurted out something to Shuhui that I would never tell anyone, aside from my sister. I don't know why I did it. But it made me feel so much better... was some form of release. It felt so good to get it off my chest. I don't think she thought much of it, but I'm glad I did it anyway. We talked a bit, not about really serious stuff, but I felt good after that. Don't know why I can't get it into my thick skull that friends are the ones that last forever. I'm an idiot.
I love night. It's just my time of the day. (Just as long it's not spent in my room which is spilling with textbooks, notes and the like. I can't breathe in there.) Like some day- last week, I think- when there was a technical rehearsal for the band concert and we went home around 8 or 9. The wind was blowing very gently, and the lights in the stadium were on... it was relatively quiet except for the occasional chatter from the main building... just walking home... nothing much... but I felt so much more at peace than usual, crawling through the drain and over the gate. (Very incongruous... I know)
And sometimes, when you're walking from say, the canteen to the physics lab, trying to ignore the sweltering heat, and stupid bag on your back... there you feel it, a gentle breeze on your face.
And you wonder where that came from?
Got to master the skill of taking Kodak shots with your brain... snapping them before the subject fleetingly disappears. Because they are rare and far between. Storing them up for keeps.
It was a beautiful day.
And I say this with utmost conviction.
8:43 PM
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