Thursday, July 31, 2003

Delusional, I am. As everyone around me sinks into depression, I feel as though I'm too above it... almost as though I'm not allowed to be depressed. In a way I'm forcing myself to be the person I want to be. I want to be a strong person, but am I really that? Surely you're supposed to "be yourself"... but I'm not too sure what that is. Isn't everyone an act? Once a friend complimented a classmate on being someone who could work hard and play hard, and I said, "That's just the image he wants to portray." Am I becoming too cynical? Not to mention someone told me once that "sarcasm is the defense of the weak"...

There's always some unspoken expectation that I have to live up to, and if I'm not what I'm assumed to be, it's almost as though it's my fault that I'm not fantastic. Or am I making excuses for myself? Why are there always two sides to the coin?

It's really funny that my GP teacher, after hearing all the horror stories about suicidal students, told us not to push ourselves too hard, and not take it too badly if we fail. That is so not the case for me... I mean I think I've become numb to failing, that I just withdraw into that comfort zone of mediocrity. I'm just lazy.

Still, I resolve to keep my chin up and walk on... and cross my fingers that I won't mess up tomorrow.

9:20 PM
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