Teacher's Day today... fun! Nice breakfast party we had... Ming Yong's beehoon rocked... so did all the donuts and cookies and cake... still thinking about it now haha. Whole class ponned the Aces Day workout together to start breakfast early. We bought Michael Tay a very chio discman that I really wouldn't mind having myself. *drools* The concert was also pretty good... couldn't stop laughing there. :) Then off to SC with all the NJ SC ppl... quite fun to be together again... kind of nostalgic about it all, especially when we arrived. The toilets are so CLEAN! The place is so BRIGHT! And the facilities are so CHIO! And it's nice and SMALL so you don't have to walk from one end of the school to the other just to get a file from your locker or something. The concert there was also excellent... can't believe the number of horrifically talented juniors there are. Tend to forget that. Took a lot of things forgranted in my time there. It's pretty sheltered from the outside world in a way... life was so uncomplicated.
Then had a nice time out with Ning, Huixin, Constance and Liming... Ning and I wanted to go bag shopping... but decided not too since all the 171s were packed with people and refused to even turn into the bus lane when they passed our stop. Ended up at Serene Centre pigging out at Black Canyon Coffee. It feels so good to be with people you're so comfortable with, that you don't have to worry about judging you. Had a good time catching up with each other... and it's nice to know that they're still the same people you knew. A really good breather amidst the usual craziness.
Long weekend with not much homework... which I should really use to get cracking for promos. The ol' procrastinator shall be shot down.
9:09 PM
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Coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
10:36 PM
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V-Night tomorrow... don't want to dress up... totally cannot be bothered. Though we've been told to go do our hair and get makeovers and whatever. In my mum's words. "You're 17. You don't have to look 27." Amen to that.
Then 6am the next day got to go do CIP. That's ok... though mum got quite irritated because I don't appear to be doing any school work at all.
Really must buck up and study. And actually do some homework on Friday night. Break a record or two.
8:52 PM
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Then I got home and was so busy I forgot to cry.
Life's little ironies. The thing is I'm kind of numb right now... feel like I don't have time to worry about such things. But it's a good test of how I recover and keep my priorities in order. I HAVE to be more focused.
I'm feeling strangely, weirdly, cheerful. I guess Truth hasn't set in yet. It might, sooner or later. But I kind of don't even realize it yet.
All in all... I'm happy. A good day. Caught up with a friend I haven't talked to for a while... realized the whole daoing thing is in a way, just a matter of circumstance and is no one's fault. Just that no one wants to show that they actually care too much... more than what seems politically correct. Pride. *shakes head* Gets in the way of so many things. Glad I actually initiated things for once... for a while I was so sick of getting things screwed up I gave up being the active party for some time. Had nice chats with people... really should appreciate many people much, much more.
For once, was actually happy being me. Even for the tiniest fraction of a second.
Saw the good side of someone I normally don't like. And I felt bad for judging said person. Who am I to judge anyone anyway? Especially when they are willing to put up with me despite the crap I give them...
Sat through an econs lecture and actually understood what was going on... at least things are looking a little brighter.
Now I really should get back to the Project Work evaluation I was supposed to be doing before Hui Ling has my head. (sorry, Hui Ling... slacking away. Back to work!)
And learn to stand on my own two feet. I'm the one living this life, and I'm living it based on myself... not anyone else.
8:05 PM
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"dreaming infinitely"
9:49 PM
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Guess it's important not to get too caught up in it... and not to think to much. Life's too short.
I'm a selfish bitch most of the time... never think of anyone but myself. Distracted, moody and delusional.
Got this quote from my brother's blog... quite apt.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates.
- Thomas Szaz
10:32 PM
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-Train -
Well I guess this is where I left my life
And all its operations
And I know that I will never get this twice
With all negotiations
This feels like the place between what is and might have been
So I guess this is where we both find out
If this was meant to be
And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can take a little more
Now it takes me back to times on Lincoln Avenue
When you said you'd never get tired of the boy
That seemed to be so far from growing up
But we were different then
This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way
And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can wait a little more
This feels like the time that I'm ready for you
Are you ready for me
'Cause I'll tell myself I'll make it through
I'll tell myself anything to get over you
And I won't blame you but I'm finally ready to show you
That I'm ready to show you, I'm ready to show you, yeah
I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway, but anyway
I need you
I need you now
I need you now
I'm ready now
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
I love this song.
Okay I guess that was a bit obvious. *Innocent glance around blog* But I love the way it's so personal and revealing. Pretty scary when you hear some song that expresses exactly what you want to say? It's reassuring... at least you're not the only one going through the same thing. ;)
Just saw an Alicia Keys in Amsterdam concert on MTV... just sat down there and stared at the screen... I mean the way she plays the piano so effortlessly... terrible thing about music... it so encourages escapism...
10:29 PM
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So it wasn't so great at first. The usual condescending stare at the band room from the conductor... not that I care or that she means it. I'm kind of immune to that now. PE was a surprisingly bright spot... softball is fun! So much better than stupid floorball, where I keep swinging the stick and missing the sorry excuse for a ball, or even worse, touch rug...cannot stand that. (Sorry, Wen and Wei Wei...) Then snored through econs tutorial, which I usually don't mind but I didn't exactly prepare for this one... so... well. Then Chem lect... isn't it funny that there can be a completely different person on this planet that can have so much control over your feelings? All the excess baggage at the back of my mind just disappeared were and replaced by blind rapture... God I'm such a pathetic creature. Ugh. So I spent the rest of the lecture pretending to pay attention. Then I started worrying about something small and stupid and completely irrelevant in many ways. All I know if that it were true I would just have to move on with life... and I probably would. But I don't think I could take it.
I hate speaking in front of people. I really do. But I have to do it anyway. I'm just extremely good at getting myself into stupid situations and emerging from it like a clumsy oaf. Lunch and chem prac were the usual. My class is always really bubbly and cheerful... always game for a laugh... and that's good. But a lot of times I just feel so seperate from all of it. I'm just boring, I guess. Just some days when I don't feel like laughing. I always feel so fake when I do, which is just to refrain from being antisocial. I feel as though I want to maintain this pretence of being happy and nice to everybody... but of course it doesn't work. A lot of times they just slide off your front and there you go... mood swingish me, for all the world to see. I keep telling myself to just be myself... but how do I do that when I don't even know who I am?
Physics was terrific. I completely forgot that there was a test on Circular Motion and Gravitational Field, both which involve a lot of formulas.
So I slept through the test. Hooray.
Then it was time for Napfa re-test (even bigger hooray)... have had a problem with standing broad jump. At least I had Shuhui with me. We wanted to pretend to be each other and she would jump for me and I would run (shuttle run) for her... then we would both pass with flying colours... wishful thinking... haha.
I'd really like to take this chance to say thank you to some people out there... anyone at all, who ever expressed some sort of concern to others. It's difficult when you yourself are experiencing all kinds of crap, yet bother to take time off to care about others. You are above the usual selfish trend, and are truly wonderful people. You never fail to brighten my day. Thank you.
This makes me realize what an idiot I am to keep worrying about intangible matters... to just wake up, cut the whining and appreciate what I've been dealt.
Feeling pretty much better, went for my re-test. Kept my chin up... I will be strong. So many people milling around downstairs preparing for NDC... was pretty horrified then, but now I don't care. Who gives a shit about what arrogant bastards think about you? I certainly won't. I am not going to care any longer about people who play with your feelings, constantly changing and hurting you, pretending to care when they actually don't. It just makes one miserable. (pardon the language- it won't happen again.) I am not inferior if I don't think so. (Thanks, Ning :)) I will spend my time with much more worthwhile people.
Shuhui passed her shuttle run! I'm so happy for her! She got C k... last time she was failing... In a way, happiness for another person is so much sweeter than that for yourself... there aren't any other "what if" factors butting in to spoil your mood... you can just be truly, wholeheartedly, happy! Ignorance is bliss! Haha.
Aching all over and grumbling a little we went home. It was around six plus... still many people around... the sky sort of thinking what to do with itself... beautiful. I love evenings. I just blurted out something to Shuhui that I would never tell anyone, aside from my sister. I don't know why I did it. But it made me feel so much better... was some form of release. It felt so good to get it off my chest. I don't think she thought much of it, but I'm glad I did it anyway. We talked a bit, not about really serious stuff, but I felt good after that. Don't know why I can't get it into my thick skull that friends are the ones that last forever. I'm an idiot.
I love night. It's just my time of the day. (Just as long it's not spent in my room which is spilling with textbooks, notes and the like. I can't breathe in there.) Like some day- last week, I think- when there was a technical rehearsal for the band concert and we went home around 8 or 9. The wind was blowing very gently, and the lights in the stadium were on... it was relatively quiet except for the occasional chatter from the main building... just walking home... nothing much... but I felt so much more at peace than usual, crawling through the drain and over the gate. (Very incongruous... I know)
And sometimes, when you're walking from say, the canteen to the physics lab, trying to ignore the sweltering heat, and stupid bag on your back... there you feel it, a gentle breeze on your face.
And you wonder where that came from?
Got to master the skill of taking Kodak shots with your brain... snapping them before the subject fleetingly disappears. Because they are rare and far between. Storing them up for keeps.
It was a beautiful day.
And I say this with utmost conviction.
8:43 PM
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Stoning in front of the computer screen... munching chocolate marshmallows... probably will wind up with a sore throat tomorrow. The scores I was supposed to be memorizing are scattered untidily in front of me.
I have a problem with accepting reality.
I just don't want tomorrow to come.
It's not working.
Oh well. At least I managed to complete some work this weekend, no matter how meagre.
Now will someone just slap me so I'll wake up and get back to life?
11:47 PM
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But in a way it's a test, I guess. It will make me stronger. I have to stand on my own... and don't go around clinging on to others to make myself happy.
To get back to the point... Etude (the annual band concert) was a reasonable success... think the audience might have fallen asleep halfway through but they woke up after we played An American in Paris. The whole thing feels like a big rush... technical rehearsals, soundchecks, bolting down dinner, changing... it's all in a blur now. But it was fun... after the initial scary entrance that is. I've never really performed officially before... so it was quite an experience, I must say. All I can say is... I wonder how we're going to survive without our seniors... there'll be like no sound left... I mean like 2 horns, no tubas... the list goes on...
Anyway most of the band people came to my house after that for party... quite jia lat because I think a lot of people slept even less than me, if at all... mad card players... people snoring on the couch... people who couldn't stop eating (thanks, Shuhui ;)), people going for strolls at 3 am in the morning... telling ghost stories... sigh I'm really going to miss the seniors... they've been a wonderful bunch... both extremely talented and good people... anyway they finally left not too long ago... kinda depressing after all the preparations for the concert... have been having band prac every day for like the last few weeks... and now it's back to normal life... *Sigh* to do all the work I've neglected... die liao...
So now I'm sitting in a pile not knowing where to start or what to do... with the possibility of something horrible hanging in the back of my mind... I have to stop worrying because it's certainly not more important than my work... truly pathetic.
Back to work back to work... don't think about it.
I'll find out on Monday, anyway.
8:58 AM
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